¡Guatemala mañana!
So training camp has been crazy intense. Between high-powered musical worship sessions, encouraging and challenging messages, and more group bonding than an entire week of freshman orientation, I’ve been going to sleep every night physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. But in the best possible way! God is pushing and pulling me in all kinds of new places, pressing me into uncharted territories of my own spirit and His greater plan. If my entire two months in Guatemala are anywhere near as growthful as these past three days have been, I will probably go home and do something really crazy like sell all my possessions to the poor. Y’all have been warned.
It really wasn't until I got here that I realized just how terrified I was about this trip. I'd spent the past few months fretting over money, scrambling to finish support letters, and Facebook stalking my fellow teammates. I was a little nervous, maybe, about getting sick or losing my passport, but I was mostly crazy excited to go somewhere so far away and live in a completely different culture for two whole months. However, during our first morning worship session, a thought hit me: "What if I'm not ready for this?" Followed by an even more haunting: "What if I'm not supposed to be here at all?"
If you have any idea how terrifying it is to doubt for the first time something you have spent so long investing in as truth, you know how quickly even the highest and grandest of dreams can fall. All of a sudden, I was plagued with fears that I had spent all this time and energy chasing after something that was not meant for me. "I am unworthy," I thought. "I am incapable."
During the remaining three days of training camp, however, God has been encouraging me of His overwhelming love for me and His commitment to see me grow. And I realize, of course I am unworthy! Of course I am incapable! Without God, I am nothing, but that doesn't stop Him from pursuing me relentlessly. And with Him, nothing can stop me from the love and the life that He has intended for me.
Now, a day before I set off for the beautiful Puerto Barrios, Guatemala, I can finally proclaim with assurance that this is what I'm supposed to do. God has been showing me how He's prepared me for this adventure over the years–from gaining experience on the missions field in Thailand to living in community on an urban missions project in Portland–and I am so lucky to have been surrounded by family and friends who have supported me every step of the way and set such an excellent example of what the Kingdom of God is meant to look like. I know God has given me a heart for the broken (i.e., everyone), and that this heart, blood-red and crazy and filled with the love of Jesus, is beating straight in the direction of Guatemala with more courage and conviction than I have ever felt before.
